was in Saskatoon today, getting pictures taken. Weather was great today, a little too sunny for picture taking though.

well, I've been corresponding with a very funny gentlman on line. He works 7 in and 7 out at key lake, is an electrician by trade and is very very funny. He is 49, 5 11' has blue eyes and grey hair. Will need to go for coffee one day. and has two teenage children, was divorced in 2001 and seems nice.

ok, ripped out the caret in the basement yesterday. Cupboards almost have new countertop and are just about finished being painted, should be done tomorrow. then its just a little clean up and the house will be listed and sold. So we can buy a new one in a better neighbourhood.

Well, what a lovely time, attending a fly fishing club meeting, just me and a group of guys. ya, thats pretty cool. Some of them are even close to my age, this could be interesting and they meet once a week too. I will learn how to make my own fishing net, my own fly fishing rod, tie more fly ties and have a drink at the local watering hole. And they even made coffee just for me. They take fishing trips to the lakes around Little Bear and up into the mountains in the summer. This is going to be great.

Well, I won 2500.00 yesterday, that was pretty darn cool. Then I won another ten bucks on a scratch and win ticket. So I bought a children's wish foundation lottery ticket on a house to be drawn on October 3rd.

Well had to file my first police report today. Just wanted to start a paper trail in case the abuse escaltes any further. I don't understand how irrationality can be the maystay of the day in the mind of any one human being. Some people are completly devoid of human emotion and rational thought.

can't wait to go to the spa, tunnel mountain resort here we come. I am going to reread Flow and Synchronicity, I think I will pay closer attention to the messages and take the right direction this time. I will be phoning my lawyre tomorrow to see if she has my paperwork done yet. Must move on, one step at a time. More reminders again today.

I bought a new laptop today. It has a flip screen and w0rks like a really really really big blackberry. Now I can play all the latest myst games again. yay. Now I can use the computer before arianna goes to bed rather than after. ha ha ha

THIS I PROMISE.
Accept that you will never find rational motives behind irrational people (abusers), but you will drive yourself crazy if you try.
Accept that you will never understand why or how he can be so cruel and lack remorse, and let it go. You can only learn to understand yourself and your own behavior.
Accept that you cannot control or change an abuser (not with any amount of love, money, or attempts to be the perfect mate), but you can control how (or whether) you react or respond toward him.
Accept that your abuser has nothing you need or want. Each time your bruised psyche attempts to convince you that you want or need him, use your brain. If you stop to think about what you really want and need, you will find that these are things he cannot give you (love, honesty, respect, kindness). He does not have them to give.
Know that these needs are normal human needs (the desire for companionship, intimacy, love, honesty, respect, affection, kindness) and that you can have these needs filled. Learn to find these things from within yourself and from people other than your abuser.
Remember that if you try to get anything at all from him, you are giving him immense power, because he then has the choice to either give it to you or withhold it. Don't give him that power in the first place! Besides, why negotiate a deal with someone who doesn't have what they are negotiating to give in the first place?
Remember that it is always wiser to risk long-term happiness and leave that it is to risk long-term unhappiness (or worse) and stay.
In the beginning, before you learn to love yourself again, remind yourself that although the most difficult and heart wrenching thing is no contact, it is also the healthiest choice and the only true way out.
Always know this. They need us more than we need them! We've just been brainwashed into thinking the opposite of what we now know to be true.
Admit to yourself and to trustworthy support persons that you need love, concern, understanding, support, and especially validation to make it through recovery from abuse.
Finally, remember that asking for or expecting any kindness, honesty, love, maturity, reason, or other unselfish behavior from an abuser is like trying to get blood from a stone.
Try something you've always wanted to try. Take time for yourself. Take care of yourself. Do whatever it is you want to do. YOU ARE FREE NOW!
Start to consider what you want from a healthy partner in your next long-term relationship. If men want to establish an intimate and/or long-term relationship with you, let them know that you are available as a friend right now - and more may come later.
Learn to love and respect yourself. Give yourself all of the kindness and love he never did. Soon you will see him for what he truly is, and you will see yourself as well.
This I promise.
Anon

What is in it for me. That is the question, isn't it. Why would anyone want a relationship that is based on the needs of one partner, the wants of one partner, the anger from one partner, the devaluation from one partner. Why indeed, because there is a warm body in bed at night, a person to chat with after work, (albeit always about what he wants to chat about), someone to do things with, (albeit all the while swearing and cursing at the event, the day, the tools or just anything in general), Must be some hidden phsycological attachement, something that is good, but what, what is good about this relationship. Surely there is some good points. sigh

crazy making, what a day, what a whole lot of days, do I want this, and why. Maybe after he is physically gone, he will take the crazy making behavour with him and I will be able to regain control of my thoughts and my behavour. Maybe I will be able to let go of whatever it is that keeps me wanting him back. What is that I get back any way, more crazy making behaviour, constant arguing, and devaluing of me and my opnions and values, what is it that is so attractive to me about this relationship. The pain? Certainly not any type of love, that is healthy. oh me or my, at the end of it all there must a reason.

Indeed today and all weekend my heart craves for the past when I was perhaps, angry, sad, hurt, unhappy all of those things yet, secure in my relationship with Gerald. now my heart craves for the past, for the what was defined as love in my heart and mind, for whatever I had in lieu of not knowing what the future holds. I have convinced myself that I can change things back to the past if I behave in a certain way and perhaps I can. Do I want what I had before, do I deserve more or is what I had all there is. Who owns the problems that we had in the past me or him or both of us, is there a way to fix those problems, to move into a better relationship with Gerald or is the past and the future forever apart from each other. There is no simple answer and for those who would simply say, get over it and move on, no no no no, there is sooo much more to the equation than that. In two weeks Gerald will have his own place and perhaps sooner, how will that work for me, how will that work for him. I just don't know, we have been apart before, but never for these reasons. Only time will tell and as the saying goes, time heals all wounds.

Trying to kick an addiction is a painful and horrific process. Never mind if that addiction is to a drug, or a person. The last few weeks have been hell, as I know that Gerald is moving out. This is what I set out to make happen some time ago, but now I don't know if I can handle the roller coaster, some days I am strong, some days I am not. Those who know me, will say that everything is for the best, and in my head I know that, however that knowledge is not helpful in the painful moments. I am told those moments will be less and less, yet the intensity of the pain carries from one weak moment to the next. The strength that occurs in between has increased a bit over the last two or three days, yet the pain of separation is far from going away.

Where will this separation lead, I wonder. Will this be the end of the relationship or just another part of the roller coaster. If I am strong enough at the end of the day, logic would dictate the end of a bad relationship is best for all, unfortunately the heart is not ruled by logic.

wow, finally got my computer back. albeit has no information, no programs, just an empty hard drive and the ability to go on the internet. yet it is back, yay, yay, yay

On with the show, off to the aboriginal music festival part of the Juno's tonight at the E.A. Rawlinson Centre. Arianna and Crystal will enjoy themselves I am sure. The music will be varied and entertaining. I had an opportunity at lunch to meet the artists during the meet and greet by the Prince Albert committee. Can't wait.

interesting menu this evening. Portobello Mushroom suprise made with red onions, bagonia vinegar & light garlic & herb cream cheese. Sweet & spicy pork tenderloin and asparagus with mustard sauce. yummy and all for a total of under 400 calories.

Saskatchewan the province of opportunity, affordable housing, great lakes, good jobs, family lifstyle, what more can I say.

Well, indeed here is an interesting book everyone should read. The Game of Life, The Power of the Spoken Word, Your Word is Want and the Secret of Success. a conglomeration of works by Florence Scovel Shinn. Very enlightening and effective.

One more event over, two more to go. The business awards champagne breakfast was well attended and well organized. The awards night will be even better. and then next week is farm fair which will go well I am sure. Arianna will be sixteen on sunday, hopefully she will get her drivers license soon and then she can drive herself to work and back.