THIS I PROMISE.
Accept that you will never find rational motives behind irrational people (abusers), but you will drive yourself crazy if you try.
Accept that you will never understand why or how he can be so cruel and lack remorse, and let it go. You can only learn to understand yourself and your own behavior.
Accept that you cannot control or change an abuser (not with any amount of love, money, or attempts to be the perfect mate), but you can control how (or whether) you react or respond toward him.
Accept that your abuser has nothing you need or want. Each time your bruised psyche attempts to convince you that you want or need him, use your brain. If you stop to think about what you really want and need, you will find that these are things he cannot give you (love, honesty, respect, kindness). He does not have them to give.
Know that these needs are normal human needs (the desire for companionship, intimacy, love, honesty, respect, affection, kindness) and that you can have these needs filled. Learn to find these things from within yourself and from people other than your abuser.
Remember that if you try to get anything at all from him, you are giving him immense power, because he then has the choice to either give it to you or withhold it. Don't give him that power in the first place! Besides, why negotiate a deal with someone who doesn't have what they are negotiating to give in the first place?
Remember that it is always wiser to risk long-term happiness and leave that it is to risk long-term unhappiness (or worse) and stay.
In the beginning, before you learn to love yourself again, remind yourself that although the most difficult and heart wrenching thing is no contact, it is also the healthiest choice and the only true way out.
Always know this. They need us more than we need them! We've just been brainwashed into thinking the opposite of what we now know to be true.
Admit to yourself and to trustworthy support persons that you need love, concern, understanding, support, and especially validation to make it through recovery from abuse.
Finally, remember that asking for or expecting any kindness, honesty, love, maturity, reason, or other unselfish behavior from an abuser is like trying to get blood from a stone.
Try something you've always wanted to try. Take time for yourself. Take care of yourself. Do whatever it is you want to do. YOU ARE FREE NOW!
Start to consider what you want from a healthy partner in your next long-term relationship. If men want to establish an intimate and/or long-term relationship with you, let them know that you are available as a friend right now - and more may come later.
Learn to love and respect yourself. Give yourself all of the kindness and love he never did. Soon you will see him for what he truly is, and you will see yourself as well.
This I promise.
Anon