I must say, I am certainly having a much more exciting time then I did over the last thirteen years. It looks like I have an opportunity to go to Italy in May specifcally Tuscany area including Florence and Sienna. I will get to stay in a 800 year old castle and visit the vineyards and olive groves. I will get to shop in small villages and see the art of DaVinci and all the other great painters all in eleven glorius days and $2,600.00. How can I pass that up and it is related to my passion about herbs and herb medicine. I am also now studying to be a herbalist. How exciting is that.

I wore my halloween custome to work today. I was Marilyn Munroe as a pumpkin or maybe the wife on the Jetsons as a pumpkin I had on a bright, bright florescent orange wig cut as a bob with a pumpkin stem coming out of the top of it. and a very orange dress with a wire on the buttom which made it bounce up and down as I walked and white moon boots. It was very cool, and I won first prize at our luncheon meeting for the best custome. We had to have our meeting in a restaurant in downtown pa, so I got to strut my stuff to and from city hall on the way to the restaurant.

another pic

took a few pics this weekend, or at least angie did. here is one of them

was in Saskatoon today, getting pictures taken. Weather was great today, a little too sunny for picture taking though.

well, I've been corresponding with a very funny gentlman on line. He works 7 in and 7 out at key lake, is an electrician by trade and is very very funny. He is 49, 5 11' has blue eyes and grey hair. Will need to go for coffee one day. and has two teenage children, was divorced in 2001 and seems nice.

ok, ripped out the caret in the basement yesterday. Cupboards almost have new countertop and are just about finished being painted, should be done tomorrow. then its just a little clean up and the house will be listed and sold. So we can buy a new one in a better neighbourhood.

Well, what a lovely time, attending a fly fishing club meeting, just me and a group of guys. ya, thats pretty cool. Some of them are even close to my age, this could be interesting and they meet once a week too. I will learn how to make my own fishing net, my own fly fishing rod, tie more fly ties and have a drink at the local watering hole. And they even made coffee just for me. They take fishing trips to the lakes around Little Bear and up into the mountains in the summer. This is going to be great.

Well, I won 2500.00 yesterday, that was pretty darn cool. Then I won another ten bucks on a scratch and win ticket. So I bought a children's wish foundation lottery ticket on a house to be drawn on October 3rd.

Well had to file my first police report today. Just wanted to start a paper trail in case the abuse escaltes any further. I don't understand how irrationality can be the maystay of the day in the mind of any one human being. Some people are completly devoid of human emotion and rational thought.

can't wait to go to the spa, tunnel mountain resort here we come. I am going to reread Flow and Synchronicity, I think I will pay closer attention to the messages and take the right direction this time. I will be phoning my lawyre tomorrow to see if she has my paperwork done yet. Must move on, one step at a time. More reminders again today.

I bought a new laptop today. It has a flip screen and w0rks like a really really really big blackberry. Now I can play all the latest myst games again. yay. Now I can use the computer before arianna goes to bed rather than after. ha ha ha

THIS I PROMISE.
Accept that you will never find rational motives behind irrational people (abusers), but you will drive yourself crazy if you try.
Accept that you will never understand why or how he can be so cruel and lack remorse, and let it go. You can only learn to understand yourself and your own behavior.
Accept that you cannot control or change an abuser (not with any amount of love, money, or attempts to be the perfect mate), but you can control how (or whether) you react or respond toward him.
Accept that your abuser has nothing you need or want. Each time your bruised psyche attempts to convince you that you want or need him, use your brain. If you stop to think about what you really want and need, you will find that these are things he cannot give you (love, honesty, respect, kindness). He does not have them to give.
Know that these needs are normal human needs (the desire for companionship, intimacy, love, honesty, respect, affection, kindness) and that you can have these needs filled. Learn to find these things from within yourself and from people other than your abuser.
Remember that if you try to get anything at all from him, you are giving him immense power, because he then has the choice to either give it to you or withhold it. Don't give him that power in the first place! Besides, why negotiate a deal with someone who doesn't have what they are negotiating to give in the first place?
Remember that it is always wiser to risk long-term happiness and leave that it is to risk long-term unhappiness (or worse) and stay.
In the beginning, before you learn to love yourself again, remind yourself that although the most difficult and heart wrenching thing is no contact, it is also the healthiest choice and the only true way out.
Always know this. They need us more than we need them! We've just been brainwashed into thinking the opposite of what we now know to be true.
Admit to yourself and to trustworthy support persons that you need love, concern, understanding, support, and especially validation to make it through recovery from abuse.
Finally, remember that asking for or expecting any kindness, honesty, love, maturity, reason, or other unselfish behavior from an abuser is like trying to get blood from a stone.
Try something you've always wanted to try. Take time for yourself. Take care of yourself. Do whatever it is you want to do. YOU ARE FREE NOW!
Start to consider what you want from a healthy partner in your next long-term relationship. If men want to establish an intimate and/or long-term relationship with you, let them know that you are available as a friend right now - and more may come later.
Learn to love and respect yourself. Give yourself all of the kindness and love he never did. Soon you will see him for what he truly is, and you will see yourself as well.
This I promise.
Anon

What is in it for me. That is the question, isn't it. Why would anyone want a relationship that is based on the needs of one partner, the wants of one partner, the anger from one partner, the devaluation from one partner. Why indeed, because there is a warm body in bed at night, a person to chat with after work, (albeit always about what he wants to chat about), someone to do things with, (albeit all the while swearing and cursing at the event, the day, the tools or just anything in general), Must be some hidden phsycological attachement, something that is good, but what, what is good about this relationship. Surely there is some good points. sigh

crazy making, what a day, what a whole lot of days, do I want this, and why. Maybe after he is physically gone, he will take the crazy making behavour with him and I will be able to regain control of my thoughts and my behavour. Maybe I will be able to let go of whatever it is that keeps me wanting him back. What is that I get back any way, more crazy making behaviour, constant arguing, and devaluing of me and my opnions and values, what is it that is so attractive to me about this relationship. The pain? Certainly not any type of love, that is healthy. oh me or my, at the end of it all there must a reason.

Indeed today and all weekend my heart craves for the past when I was perhaps, angry, sad, hurt, unhappy all of those things yet, secure in my relationship with Gerald. now my heart craves for the past, for the what was defined as love in my heart and mind, for whatever I had in lieu of not knowing what the future holds. I have convinced myself that I can change things back to the past if I behave in a certain way and perhaps I can. Do I want what I had before, do I deserve more or is what I had all there is. Who owns the problems that we had in the past me or him or both of us, is there a way to fix those problems, to move into a better relationship with Gerald or is the past and the future forever apart from each other. There is no simple answer and for those who would simply say, get over it and move on, no no no no, there is sooo much more to the equation than that. In two weeks Gerald will have his own place and perhaps sooner, how will that work for me, how will that work for him. I just don't know, we have been apart before, but never for these reasons. Only time will tell and as the saying goes, time heals all wounds.

Trying to kick an addiction is a painful and horrific process. Never mind if that addiction is to a drug, or a person. The last few weeks have been hell, as I know that Gerald is moving out. This is what I set out to make happen some time ago, but now I don't know if I can handle the roller coaster, some days I am strong, some days I am not. Those who know me, will say that everything is for the best, and in my head I know that, however that knowledge is not helpful in the painful moments. I am told those moments will be less and less, yet the intensity of the pain carries from one weak moment to the next. The strength that occurs in between has increased a bit over the last two or three days, yet the pain of separation is far from going away.

Where will this separation lead, I wonder. Will this be the end of the relationship or just another part of the roller coaster. If I am strong enough at the end of the day, logic would dictate the end of a bad relationship is best for all, unfortunately the heart is not ruled by logic.

wow, finally got my computer back. albeit has no information, no programs, just an empty hard drive and the ability to go on the internet. yet it is back, yay, yay, yay

On with the show, off to the aboriginal music festival part of the Juno's tonight at the E.A. Rawlinson Centre. Arianna and Crystal will enjoy themselves I am sure. The music will be varied and entertaining. I had an opportunity at lunch to meet the artists during the meet and greet by the Prince Albert committee. Can't wait.

interesting menu this evening. Portobello Mushroom suprise made with red onions, bagonia vinegar & light garlic & herb cream cheese. Sweet & spicy pork tenderloin and asparagus with mustard sauce. yummy and all for a total of under 400 calories.

Saskatchewan the province of opportunity, affordable housing, great lakes, good jobs, family lifstyle, what more can I say.

Well, indeed here is an interesting book everyone should read. The Game of Life, The Power of the Spoken Word, Your Word is Want and the Secret of Success. a conglomeration of works by Florence Scovel Shinn. Very enlightening and effective.

One more event over, two more to go. The business awards champagne breakfast was well attended and well organized. The awards night will be even better. and then next week is farm fair which will go well I am sure. Arianna will be sixteen on sunday, hopefully she will get her drivers license soon and then she can drive herself to work and back.

ok, so the avocado's in the guacamole that we learned how to make at angela's house taste soooo very yummy, have a lot of calories. One avocado is 278 calories and that does not count the cracker or the salsa if you add it. Soo, I guess I will have to only eat a half at a time with only six crackers instead of 12. Rice thins are the best as they hardly have any calories.

Well, Arianna is off to Nova Scotia. Left Friday morning at 7:30 a.m. and will be back tuesday night. Hope she doesn't run into any seafood issues. Crystal is off of school for Monday and Tuesday, teacher's convention I think. Had a great chicken supper at Angela's house yesterday. Great recipe, wonder where it came from.

Just a bit more info about emotionally abusive relationships. It never hurts to be informed
Emotionally abusive relationships can be very damaging because there is no 'concrete' thing that can be seen - and so the cause often goes unnoticed. We often just have an 'uneasy' feeling until it is too late and the damage has been done. Emotionally abusive relationships may show as little as only three, but as much as all of the following questions:
Is your mate irritated, upset, or angry with you often, sometimes several times a week or more? Are they upset with you even though you had no intention of upsetting them? Are you often times surprised by their anger or sudden outburst? Is their anger directed at 'you' or something they say 'you' did or didn't do? Does he blame 'you' for his outrage, anger, or upset? Does he deny to you his being angry or upset? Do you find yourself questioning everything you do as you do it, lest it angers him?
Does he refuse to discuss any upsetting issues with you, or accuse you of trying to start an argument if you bring them up? Do you feel that the issues that arise are never resolved? Do you feel uneasy, unhappy, depressed, or edgy because of these unresolved issues?
Does he frequently misunderstand your intentions? Do you end up feeling perplexed and frustrated at his misconstruing your every action?
Do you find yourself dismissing the bigger issues of your relationship, such as children, financial investments, or retirement planning because your daily lack of communication is consuming your emotional energy. For instance, do you often worry about him misunderstanding something he thought you said, or what you thought he said? Are the simple little day-to-day issues consuming the big picture?
Do you sometimes feel like there is something wrong with 'you'? Do you sometimes feel bad and can't figure out why?
Is your mate secretive? Does he rarely, if ever, share his thoughts or plans with you, or discuss issues with you?
Does your mate almost always disagree with you? If you say the sky is blue do they say it is grey? If you found a movie to be good do they claim it was bad? Are you always made to feel like you are wrong and he is right?

Are you punished when you say "No", or are you made to feel you haven't the right to say “Stop this”? Do you feel obligated to 'give in' just to keep peace?
Does your mate get angry or pretend ignorance if you approach him to discuss an issue? Do you bite your tongue and hold things in?
Do you feel like your mate holds all the power in your relationship? Do you find yourself asking for 'permission' to do something or get something, as if you were a child? Do you often apologize for your behavior? Does your mate overpower you making you feel 'needy' and 'humble' to them?

Have you gradually stopped talking to or seeing your family? Have you lost contact with your friends? Does your mate criticize your friends, or belittle your family members? Does he complain when you visit them to the point where you stop just to avoid the confrontation and argument? Does your mate's behavior often embarrass you? Does your 'bowing down to him' behavior embarrass you?
Do you think that everything is your fault and that if you can somehow fix your flaws that everything would be okay in the relationship?

Does he do drugs or drink alcohol? Does his personality change when he does these? Do you find yourself having an uneasy 'sinking feeling' when you hear or see him pop open a beer?
Does he make fun of you or joke around about your flaws?
Can he laugh at his own mistakes, or himself, or admit to his own shortcomings and weaknesses?
Does he quickly and easily admit when he's wrong? Can he apologize for his own behaviors? Does he make excuses for his behavior and blame it on someone or something else? Does he point the finger at you and make you feel like you are the reason for his upsets or to fault for his mistakes?
Does he make all the decisions in the relationship? Does he plan outings, finances, vacations, retirement, children's discipline, the car, etc?
Does he control, curtail, or disapprove of your spending? Has he put you on an allowance, or strict budget, yet has complete freedom to spend as he wishes? Does he keep you financially needy of him?
Would you feel frightened or uneasy if he caught you reading this questionnaire, or taking this test?
If you have answered yes to just three of these questions, odds are you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. You probably find yourself often depressed and wondering why. You may just feel 'unhappy' but can't put your finger on the source of your unhappiness. Or you may find yourself thinking that you are clumsy, stupid, incompetent, wrong, or no-good. These are all subtle signs of being emotionally abused

great breakfast this morning healthy and two thumbs up from Arianna and crystal. Banana Sundae, healthy style.

cut one banana in half length wise spread one Tablespoon low fat peanut butter over cut sides of banana, spoon 1/3 cup of zero fat boston creame pie yogurt over banana and peanut butter. sprinkle two Tablespoons of grapenuts on top, enjoy.

Crystal had one a breakfast and another at lunch. lipsmackin good.

Here is the great chicken recipe I have been talking about. very yummy and low fat.
Chicken Picante
you will need 1/3 plus 1/2 cup picante sauce (salsa any level of heat)
4 medium boneless, skinless chicken breasts
6 Tablespoons light cream cheese from a block
1/2 cup light shredded cheddar cheese

Preheat oven 350F spread 1/3 cup of picante sauce on bottom of a 9 x 13 pan. Lay chicken on cutting board and pound chicken to uniform thickness. spread chicken evenly with cream cheese, I warmed it in the microwave to make it easier to spread. Lay the chicken cream cheese up in a single layer in the prepared baking dish. Spoon the remaining 1/2 cup picante sauce on top of the chicken. cover dish with aluminum foil.

bake for 15 minutes. remove aluminum foil. sprinckle the cheddar cheese evenly over the breast. bake uncovered for another 15 to 20 minutes or until no longer pink. serve immediately.
198 calories per serving. makes four servings.

Narcissist Personality Disorder, something to learn about!!
Is Your Partner a Narcissist? From Loving the Self Absorbed by Dr. Nina BrownTake this quiz and find out. Based on your knowledge of your partner, answer each of the following using this scale:
5-Always or almost always does this4-Frequently does this3-Does this sometimes2-Seldom does this1-Never of almost never does this

Quiz:1. Constantly looks to you to meet their needs
2. Expects you to know what he/she expects, desires, and needs without having to ask for it
3. Gets upset when you are perceived to be critical or blaming
4. Expects you to put his/her needs before your own
5. Seeks attention in indirect ways
6. Expects you to openly admire him/her
7. Acts childish, e.g., sulks or pouts
8. Accuses you of being insensitive or uncaring without cause or notice
9. Finds fault with your friends
10. Becomes angry when challenged or confronted
11. Does not seem to recognize your feelings
12. Uses your disclosures to criticize, blame, or discount you
13. Is controlling
14. Lies, distorts, and misleads
15. Is competitive and uses any means to get what is wanted
16. Has a superior attitude
17. Is contemptuous of you and others
18. Is arrogant
19. Is envious of others
20. Demeans and devalues you
21. Is self-centered and self absorbed
22. Has to be the center of attention
23. Manipulates others to win attention
24. Is impulsive and reckless
25. Boasts and brags
26. Is insensitive to your needs
27. Makes fun of others’ mistakes or faults
28. Engages in seductive behavior
29. Is vengeful
30. Expects favors, but does not return them
Total:126-150-It’s likely that your partner is a narcissist102-125-Your partner has many narcissistic characteristics78-101-Your partner has some troubling narcissistic traits54-77-Your partner has few destructive narcissistic traits30-53-It’s unlikely that your partner is a narcissist.

Here is a list of behaviours which are considered by definition to be abuse:
Door slamming, kicking or punching holes in walls, fist shakingfist pounding, throwing objects, mimicked throwing of objects.
Threats creating terror or extreme fear of physical harm or,Life-style/security - innuendo/threats ("I earn the money and keep a roof over your head!") financial asset control to create dependenceThreatening or aggressive body stance and gestures, disrespect for 'personal body space''The Look', The silent treatment or unanswered questionsPessured decision makingFacial Glaring, distainful smirkingAudible, annoyed-sounding "Sighing"Snide remarks "Can't you take a joke?" insultsMaking you feel guilt about things you have no control over.False accusation, fault-finding, nit-pickingMaking a mess and failing to clean it upIsolating/alienation from our support groups or familyIssuing orders without giving reasons
Falsely-stated expertise/talent/knowledgeNon-performance of dutiesInterrogation of whereabouts, spending or intentions. Commiting our time/resources without our consentSocial exclusion, gossiping, exploitationLack of credit for effortsTreating you differently - 'When there are witnesses'Disproportionate allocation of assetsDisplay of weapon(s) to intimidateAbandonment/stranding in dangerous locations Displayed generosity to create 'appearances' which make you uncomfortableSulking, walking out, provoking guilt and turning the subject to his grievancesCriticizing, Witholding or delayed medical treatment. Cornering you during arguments to impede your leaving.Failure to consider common-sense consequences to others of his behaviourChanged expectations or unrealistic goalsettingLies, including omission of needed informationEye-rolling, 'snippy shoulder-shrug' responses, the "hrumph response, 'spit-out' responseswhispering to others or mumbled below-hearing level criticismRequesting information about us from others rather than to usFinger poking/pointingIrresponsibility of other people's possessionsPretending to fire imaginery weapons (finger/thumb reenact gun use)Failure to consider your worries and concernsLack of respect for different opinionsPublic humiliation, ridiculing - often at unfortunate circumstancesSwearing, name-calling, nationality/occupation, age/disability mimicking/mockingHumiliation at lack of knowledgeDiscrepancy in treatment of children, corruption/enticement/coercion into illegal or sexual activities. Be aware of the "drop the ball' abuser instigating situations then abandoning them leaving us to clean up the messLateness or non-arrival causing distressReckless behaviour meant to scarePossessiveness/JealousyInappropriate show of tears to appear overly reprimanded or portray insincere apologyCutting a deal: "If you__, then I'll___"Selecting weaker targets: Picking on Women, Children, ElderlyBluffing ThreatsThrowing 'tantrums'

Well, we are stuck at home today. Crystal has a nasty bladder infection and anitibiotics to take. Our experience yesterday was quite interesting. After daycare crystal was quite anxious and upset because she couldn't go to the bathroom. So off we trudge to the emergency room at the hospital. There we first go to the wrong line and have to go back to find the right line, then the people who pulled in after us in the emergency parking line are now in front of us at the emergency registration desk. So we wait, and wait, and wait, finally it's our turn, then some old guy budges in front of us to pick up forms for his wife. Ok, now this is just a bit annoying, after all couldnt they have had the pick up forms thing somewhere else. So then we get our pink form, during which time we listen to the routine line about the walk in clinic, which I purposedly avoided due to the fact I thought they might have to do some type of procedure to crystal.

Finally in emergency, they want crystal to pee, now the reason we are here is becasue crystal can't pee, because in her words it hurts so much the pee is afraid to come out. So, we wait in the bathroom while crystal tries to make the pee come out. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, finally a drop in the bucket so to speak, unfortunately not enough, But we get to see a dr anyway, only now the emergency room and the whole hospital, paramedics, security staff and even the parking lot attendant are invovled in a mock code orange (bio harzard) major trauma practice. Sooooo, we sit and wait for another 45 minutes. Finally we get a perscrption for anitbiotics, some cream for crystal and the oppportunity to go home.

Crystal has a new piano book, a beginner-beginner book, something more appropriate for her age. She seems to be quite enjoying piano now as she can actually play the songs in this book. We have two new i spy challenge big books which are keeping the rest of us busy.

Well, I was in Meadow Lake today. Glad to say the roads on the way there and back were not at all like they were in Swift Current, where the snow and blowing snow prompted a no travel recommended warning. It was actually quite a nice drive today. And the meeting only lasted until 3 so that was alright.

well, valentine's day was interesting, I got a rose, candles, sandwiches, nanimo bars and other desserts and they were all from work.

Organized another successful event today, a Business Builder's Luncheon with the Premier and then a press conference later regarding the National Aboriginal Music and Arts Festival to be held in Prince Albert in October. Since I am on the organizing committee, I will be involved in all aspects of the festival. Should be fun

Meet Gribble and NoName our new pets. They are Gerbils. I really wanted the Dragon Lizard but furry won out over having to feed flies to something on a regular basis.

Well you asked for it.

it's been so cold I had to something exciting to heat it up. My hair is now a very reddish/copper/audburn slightly orange color. I had quite a bit of fun with it today, as I organized a business builders luncheon with the Leader of the Liberal Party of Saskatchewan. Maybe my hair will be glowing in the background during the news tonight.

wow, it's been such a long time I forgot how great it is. High speed internet that is, yah, everything loads now, everything works now, yippee.

ho ho, ho ho, it's off to work we go. Or in this case it's off to work Arianna goes. Today is her first day at DQ. And it's just a mere -24 outside.

looks like a cold week -18 to -20 to at least thursday, maybe friday will be warmer.

crystal has a birthday party to go to tommorrow, I suspect that will be fun for. Arianna is all excited because she may be going to Nova Scotia in March with the air cadets and she is supposed to be starting work at dairy queen on tuesday.

Well, I managed to organize the largest business builders luncheon in the history of the Chamber. The mayors state of the city address was highly successful and profitiable for us, with over two hundred people in attendance and all of the media available. And we organized it without any disasters or hiccups. AS the mayor stated at the end "I felt like a rock star" lol

Well, Crystal is much better today, and I didn't have any near car accidents, and I didn't spill any coffee or anything else on myself, so all must be back to normal. Arianna is waiting to hear from Tim Horton's as they told her they would get back to her about a job. That will keep her busy and hopefully happier as she will have her own money. Crystal has a birthday party at a friends house on Saturday.

Ok, i think I've been having a bout of bad karma lately. First I get to work in the morning only to find hot chocolate spilled on the front of my blue shirt. I had made Crystal hot chocolate in the morning at breakfast, apparently I must have missed the cup. The next day, some schmuck cuts me off at an intersection while he turns left into oncoming traffic which just happens to be me. Thanks too some impecable swerving in which I managed to miss him and the snap on tools truck waiting at the intersection on my right, Then Friday, I was on my way to Tim Horton's in the monrining on my way to work, whilst in the Tim Horton's drive thru, the day care phones me as crystal has a tummy ache. Sooo, friday, I didn't make it to work at all. Can't wait till Monday to see what happens to me then.

Where do they find these people on American Idol. I read an article today that said our brains protect us from knowing how bad we really are at some things. apparently singing is one of the areas that our brain covers for us.

second piano lesson tommorrow, so far Crystal has decided that she doesn't like to practice, at least not by herself. She practiced good today while I was helping her. We shall see how things go tommorrow.

cdefg, cdefg, cdefg, cdefg, Crystal's piano lessions started today. She seemed to like the piano lessons.